Get ready for season six using memes! Under each character’s meme I will write up a short description of what they did last season and where they are going into season six. If you haven’t seen the previous five seasons, turn back now! There are major spoilers ahead. Don’t end up like Sansa…
You still here? Good. Let’s start with the people who are…
Jon– Dead. Stabbed in the chest by Ollie and the rest of those jerks at the Wall. Jon Snow started season five as the savior of the Wall after taking command and leading the Watch to victory over the Wildlings after the assault on the Wall by Mance. He parlays that advantage to score the position of Lord Commander and immediately proceeds to isolate himself from his brothers by trying to save the Wildlings while also refusing to help Stannis retake the North. Jon stands by his ideals and even gets Tormund and the Wildlings on his side, but where does this terrible politicking lead Jon? To his immediate and unceremonial death by stabbing (they left his hair, thank goodness). Going into season six, the major question is NOT “Is Jon Snow dead?” He is definitely dead. The question should be, “Will Jon Snow stay dead…”
Stannis – Dead. Sacrificed his daughter, things pretty much plummeted south after that. Dies at the hands of Brienne of Tarth with the aptly named Oathkeeper in probably the truest to the character death in the whole show. Stannis’s only goal throughout the seasons was to take the throne as was his right by birth, but after failing to take King’s Landing, he turned his attention on the real battle in the north. In order to secure the North he had to take out the Boltons though, and his ambition was far greater than his means. After a few episodes slowly dying in the unrelenting snow he sacrifices his daughter to try and secure his march on Winterfell…
Shereen + Selyse – Dead. One burned alive, one hanged herself in response. Some of the most casually agonizing scenes one could ever fear witnessing. But let’s back up. Selyse was drinking the koolaid for far to long, whereas shireen was pretty much the sweetest kid ever. Put the two together, and you sacrifice the sweetheart to make the way for Stannis’s failed march on Winterfell. Sucks to be in Stannis’s family…
Marcella Baratheon – Dead. Poisoned by the Dornish (last kiss). After a season in the worst storyline in Thrones history, Jaime had Myrcella on a boat headed home. This one dimensional love struck girl has one good moment with her Uncle/Dad on a ship before dying by Dornish poison in revenge for the death of Oberon Martell in season 4. Sucks to be her.
Myranda – Dead. Reek pushes her off a cliff. The asshole BFF of Ramsey Bolton dies poetically after slinging just a bit too much shade towards Sansa. Serves her right.
Sir Meryn Trant – Dead. Stabbed in the eyes, the chest, the back maybe, and the throat. A fitting way for this Sirio killing bastard to bite the big one. After one of the grossest “I’m a villain, remember!” scenes ever, Arya betrays her mandate to kill only who the House of Black and White says to get some good old fashioned revenge.
No one – Dead. Poisoned. Was it Jaqen H’gar? Does it matter. The point is that the faceless men are faceless. No one takes the penalty for Arya’s major misplay when she kills Meryn. Only death pays for life.
Ser Barristan the Bold – What a badass way to go out. After another season of touching stories from the golden days, Barristan goes out the OG that he always was. After pretty much uppercutting a guy in half, Barristan goes down saving his compatriot Grey Worm. You will be missed…
Maester Aemon Targaryen – Dead. Dies of old age, shockingly. Aemon goes out remembering his youth in probably the only happy final moments in the show. His final act after decades of service to the watch was to put Jon in charge.
Mance Rayder – Do you even remember this guy? He died off episode one due to smoke inhalation. Unsuccessfully led a raid on the wall before getting trounced by Stannis Baratheon (see King Beyond the Wall). His right hand man Tormund Giantsbane is still kicking though and fighting for the rights of the free folk everywhere.
Arya – Can the girl shuck oysters, clams, and cockels blind? She showed up the house of Black and White looking for purpose (remember she ran from Brienne and left the Hound to die). She never learned to be no one (too much Stark) but she did wear two different identities (Cat of the cannals and the brothel girl). She is blinded for taking out Trant (another name off the list).
Sansa – General horror has plagued the last handful of years of her life, but season five was particularly brutal because she was introduced by Littlefinger to Ramsey Bolton. Let’s all try to forget one of the most awful and controversial scenes which also happened to be her wedding night. Lucky for her she now knows her brothers (Rikkon is still in reach although Bran is not) are alive and she has (maybe) escaped the boltons with Greyjoy/Reek in tow. We expect Sansa to become a major political force and start reclaiming some agency in the coming season.
Bran – Not seen since season 4, Bran is with the Children and is learning to “fly” as the three-eyed raven promised. Going to certainly play a major role now, although still in background, for now.
Cersei Lannister – Spent season 5 digging herself in a hole politicking (poorly). Isolated herself by sending Jaime off to Dorn and Kevin off to Lanisport. After militarizing the Faith (Militant) and turning them on Tyrells, she gets stabbed in the back by the High Sparrow. Confessing (some) of her crimes she makes the Walk of Shame naked and ends the season forced to play nice, for the time being, but resolved to get revenge on her enemies, which at this point is pretty much everyone.
Jaime Lannister – Spent most of five in Dorne (see weakest storyline in Thrones history) with Bronn (see best singer in the show). Pretty much accomplished nothing besides killing off the daughter/niece he came to save (Myrcella). We are hoping Jaime sticks around King’s Landing and starts actually doing something this time around. Certainly with the Faith Militant in control of the city there is plenty to do
Tyrion Lannister – After going on the run after shooting his Dad in the chest (Tywin doesn’t shit gold) Tyrion gets stuffed in crate, than a box, than a boat with his traveling companions Varys and Jorah before Tyrion meets up with Danny and has some sweet orphan talk with the queen. He gets pretty much two seconds of peace before the opening of the games in Meereen which sees the beloved (not) queen off dragon riding, which leaves Tyrion in control of yet another crumbling city. Good luck kid.
Daenerys – Imagine if the president outlawed football… Danny pretty much did that with Meereen’s favorite national pastime. Bad move commissioner Targaryan. Spent season five politicking in Meereen (yuck, hopefully less of that now) and pretty much isolating herself from her people. The rich hate her (see Sons of the Harpy) for outlawing slavery, but the freed slaves also hate her for wavering and trying to reach a compromise with the Masters. Almost gets axed a the end of the season but makes off on her favorite flying friend Drogon. First dragon rider in centuries, but a bad landing puts her in the hands of another Khalasaar. Yikes.
Jorah – Spent pretty much all of season five trying to get back to being friendzoned by Danny (not likely after the big revelation that he was spying on her for the crown back in the day). Finally secures his old spot as her advisor after saving her life from the Sons of the Harpy; what jerks. Back in the good graces of the crown he goes off with Daario on the hunt for Danny. Oh ya, and he has greyscale now (a fatal disease that ultimately ends in madness). SO there’s that.
Melisandre – After putting all of her chips on Stannis over the course of five seasons, which culminated in the burning of a child, she returns to Castle Black army-less, leaderless, and having a serious crisis of faith. She’s still got Davos though. Davos was sent away before Shireen was burned (the worst) so for now Davos is on her side, but once that comes out things will not be pretty.
Samwell Tarley – After helping clinch Jon’s position of Lord Commander and defending Gilly from the men of the watch (with a little help from his Direwolf friend), Sawmill finally gets laid. Ohhhhh yaaaaa. Jon’s final act as commander is to put Sam on a boat headed off to the Citadel with baby Sam and Gilly.
The Boltons – After double crossing the Starks and the Lannisters, the Boltons utterly destroyed Stannis’s “army” and have a pretty secure control over the North. Their only major blunder is losing Sansa after wedding her to Ramsay. The trailers all seem to point to a major military confrontation with the Bolton’s this season.
Walder Frey – Waiting… Always waiting…
Theon Greyjoy/Reek – After a season of consistently being Ramsay’s right hand man, Reek finally grew a bit of a spine and offed the wench Miranda and helped Sansa escape. Good on you Theon; you’re still the worst!
Brienne of Tarth – Spent season 5 waiting for Sansa to light that candle but bounced right before it happened in order to kill a dead man. Even if all of season five was pretty much Brienne waiting for her moment, at least we got more banter with Podrick. That guy is the best.
Littlefinger – With the Vale in his back pocket, Littlefinger is sitting pretty with all the money and position he could want… Except he always wants more. No one knows what Littlefinger’s endgame is, but he spent season five setting up Sansa’s wedding and then turning tale back to King’s Landing when mommy called. Little finger was last seen riding back to the Vale to put together a force to retake Winterfell for the crown.
The Night’s King – After seeing one of his lieutenant’s cut down by Mr. Haircut, I’m sure the head of the White Walker’s was thrilled to here Jon bit the big one. No one knows anything about the big bad of the series, but best believe he will be a major player this season.
The Dornish – No one cares. The Dornish are having some type of existential crisis about whether or not to declare war on the crown with Martell arguing against it but Oberyn’s lady friend arguing for it. But again, no one cares…